Hooters Hot Wings
Rating: ** / *****
Yesterday was April Fools', a very fun day for most people who are more creative than me. I generally try to take notes from Jim on the show The Office about how to prank a person. Not only do I identify his struggles with members of the opposite sex all too well, I also revel in the plight of overzealous people like Dwight Schrute. Unfortunately, I don't work in an office so when I put people's staplers into Jell-O it just comes off as awkward and petty. Hence my struggle with April Fools'.
April Fools' is special for a different reason, though. My friend was born on April Fools'. She has mentioned for years that it has caused her great grief when dealing with people who laugh when she tells them that fact. It probably doesn't help that I regularly call her God's joke on humanity, but it's all in good fun. I generally ignore the tears that stream down her face soon after. So it was supposed to be her birthday dinner yesterday, and after I drove 25 miles to pick up another friend in Riverside, I find that the dinner has been cancelled for reasons probably having to do with a long night of binge drinking.
Very funny, April Fools', I get it. Oh, you got me!
"Yeah, I'm pretty tired."
"BUT YOU SENT RSVP E-MAILS, THAT MAKES IT OFFICIAL! I DIDN'T DRIVE HERE FOR NOTHING!"
Not everything in life turns out as you plan, kids. Like last week's visit to the Hooters next to Angels Stadium in Anaheim. Nothing at Hooters is as great or fun as it is made out to be. Hooters, however, makes for a conveniently fitting review, since today is the Men's Basketball NCAA Championship game. Not only does the game feed my gambling problem, it also gives me reason to write a review. Now that crazed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale is endorsing it, I felt that it could do not wrong. I mean...it has all the things that I enjoy about living: hot girls, hot wings, college basketball, and of course, hooters. It's a slam dunk, baby!
The wings at Hooters have been hyped up for a long time, so there came with it some lofty expectations. Every time I order wings from my favorite wing place called Wingnuts, I always get one or two douches that say, "Yeah, but have you had the wings at Hooters?" I used to think I was missing out on the greatest experience ever, but now I know...Hooters wings are just like any other hot wings you order at a restaurant.
I know I've been disjointed thus far, but let me give you a proper narrative. I was with a group of female friends and we were trying to decide what to eat. Finally, one person decided on Hooters and off we went. She tried to explain to me the disappointment she would have if we had an ugly or flat-chested waitress.
"Why does it matter if she has big boobs? I mean, you're not the one checking them out."
"Yeah, but it's Hooters."
Good point. You want a blonde with an unnatural tan and even more unnaturally large breasts. Not because you like it, but because that's the Hooters experience promised in their commercial. Thinking about this coming in, we were disappointed to see that our waitress was a rather thin and meagerly endowed woman of the latin persuasion. Sure, she was attractive and attentive, but that's not what we're here for!
So I figured that the wings would have to be as good as everyone was hyping them up to be. After all, $33 for 50 wings is a heavy price. They have boneless wings as well, but we all know the taste of wings comes from the ridiculous amount of fat. When they finally came out, they were definitely smaller than the ones at Wingnuts and covered in Hooters wing sauce. We got half breaded and half naked, which probably applies to both the staff and the wings. The blue cheese dressing was some of the weakest I had ever had and didn't have any chunks of real blue cheese, so already they had made a bad impression.
The hot sauce itself is your basic vinegary sauce that's probably just Frank's Red Hot and butter combined and served piping hot with the deep fried wings. I can't say that I was very impressed with it because it had no discernable heat at all. In their defense, they do have flavors called "911" and "3 Mile Island" that probably pack the spice I'm looking for, but with such vague names how the hell am I supposed to know what they taste like? The wings themselves didn't really have any meatiness to them, they were merely vessels to the sauce and that's unfortunate because they should strive to be so much more. I must give them credit for being hot and crispy, but they weren't better than the ones at most sports bars and definitely not better than the ones at Wingnuts which is a place I'll be reviewing in the future.
Other things we had included curly fries that were literally covered in salt(I am convinced that they tried breading it with salt and fucked up), onion rings that were foolishly paired with thousand island dressing, and nachos that I didn't taste. None were really that good.
So that was my experience. I can't say I'm eager to go again, but I wouldn't be adverse to have someone treat me there.
Chime in with your Hooters experiences and feel free to disagree.