Monday, June 11, 2007

Kind of the End but Not Really

Alright, I have some exciting news to pass along to you guys. I'm going to be writing reviews weekly for uber-blog The Impulsive Buy. I think I'll be starting sooner rather than later. I really couldn't pass up the opportunity. Unfortunately, I am a full time college student and generally anxious person so I can't write for two blogs without going insane. This is why I'm sorry to say that Here To Eat's immediate life is being cryogenically frozen for the foreseeable future. I don't expect to compromise anything or write differently, it's going to be the same tangential stuff with even more irreverent and self-deprecating humor.

This blog started as a hobby and has become something that I am very proud of in the short time I've been doing it. It's worth the awkward stares I get when I tell people what I do for fun. All of you guys leaving comments, writing e-mails, or just reading my ridiculous reviews have made the whole thing very enjoyable and fulfilling.

Thanks for reading and please visit The Impulsive Buy to follow me and read my new reviews every week. Remember, I'm not gone, I'm just moving!

Much love,


Saturday, June 02, 2007

Circle K Sausage/Egg/Cheese Roller Bite

Price: $.99
Rating: * / *****

Here it is. The ROLLER BITE. My god, the things I do for you people. Not only do I scour the ends of the Earth to review everything known to mankind, I also have to eat them. Getting the thing was hard enough, eating it was much, much worse. Okay, here's the a rough outline of my ordeal with obtaining the Sausage/Egg/Cheese Roller Bite.

- I see the sign as I am pumping gas. Finding it to be frightening, I take a picture and post it.
- You fine folks say I should review it. Scared, yet unflappable, I go back to the gas station to find it.
- I drive to Circle K, see the sign, but find that they have apparently run out of said Roller Bites. I am angry, yet resilient.
- I go back half a week later, but find this Circle K no longer SELLS these Roller Bites.
- I call 4 different Circle K's, asking if they have Roller Bites. The first 3 barely know English, cannot understand why anyone would ever want a Roller Bite, and leave me high and dry. The fourth, however, confirms that it has breakfast Roller Bites!
- I drive roughly 15 minutes to get the Roller Bite

All that was left was the eating.


Well, it took a lot for me to muster up the strength to try this monstrosity. As you can see, it is fatter than I thought it'd be and pretty oily as well. It also has a lot more egg than I thought it would. Now, these things could be seen as a positive but only if you're batshit insane. During the time I was staring at the thing I was lost in reverie and decided to wonder what the sales pitch was...

People like hot dogs, right?
Of course! People love the delicious flavor and disturbing texture.
And...and...people like breakfast, right?!
Yes! People enjoy not starving until their lunch break. the fuck are people going to eat breakfast if they can't have it in hot dog form?
You fool, don't you get it? You know how Rachael Ray puts hot dogs in macaroni and cheese and calls it a casserole?
That's what the American public wants to eat! Complete shit!
This is brilliant! But what do we do?
Well what if breakfast was in a hot dog...think about it, people could have breakfast any time.
You mean like Bagel Bites? ROLLER Bites!
::simultaneous crotch grabs:: YEAH!!!

The first bite was quite the experience. I didn't really taste any cheese...but that's not what bothered me. should I describe this? ever try ripping the tires off of your car, cutting out a small piece, and then baking it in a blanket of sea salt like how the Iron Chefs cook their fish sometimes? Oh, you haven't? Then you're in for the treat, because you won't believe how spectacularly unnatural this thing tastes.

I'm pretty sure sausage should taste like meat, but I can't help but feel like Dr. Frankenstein is in a lab somewhere playing a sick joke on me. It's CHEWY. Why is the fucking thing CHEWY?! Maybe because it's been rolling on a heated surface perpetually for a few months, but even I can't make any excuses for this thing. The eggs were extremely dense and hard as expected, probably due to the fact that it's been cooked for roughly 15 years before being introduced to the sausage in some factory in eastern China.

You know that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Master Shake can't finish the Broodwich or else it'll take his soul? I'm almost certain they modeled the Roller Bite after that. I had two bites before I realized that I had a civic duty to burn this thing in some sort of pagan ritual. However, I had already started to feel the effects. As the pains came in, I immediately went to the kitchen tried to stab my stomach in frustration. I figured it was an honorable way to die, I believe the Japanese call it seppuku, but after a few minutes I figured I could tough it out and live to write this review.

So that was my experience. I hope you all never, ever eat this thing and may God have mercy on our souls for inventing it.