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Circle K Sausage/Egg/Cheese Roller Bite

Price: $.99
Rating: * / *****

Here it is. The ROLLER BITE. My god, the things I do for you people. Not only do I scour the ends of the Earth to review everything known to mankind, I also have to eat them. Getting the thing was hard enough, eating it was much, much worse. Okay, here's the a rough outline of my ordeal with obtaining the Sausage/Egg/Cheese Roller Bite.

- I see the sign as I am pumping gas. Finding it to be frightening, I take a picture and post it.
- You fine folks say I should review it. Scared, yet unflappable, I go back to the gas station to find it.
- I drive to Circle K, see the sign, but find that they have apparently run out of said Roller Bites. I am angry, yet resilient.
- I go back half a week later, but find this Circle K no longer SELLS these Roller Bites.
- I call 4 different Circle K's, asking if they have Roller Bites. The first 3 barely know English, cannot understand why anyone would ever want a Roller Bite, and leave me high and dry. The fourth, however, confirms that it has breakfast Roller Bites!
- I drive roughly 15 minutes to get the Roller Bite

All that was left was the eating.

...

Well, it took a lot for me to muster up the strength to try this monstrosity. As you can see, it is fatter than I thought it'd be and pretty oily as well. It also has a lot more egg than I thought it would. Now, these things could be seen as a positive but only if you're batshit insane. During the time I was staring at the thing I was lost in reverie and decided to wonder what the sales pitch was...

People like hot dogs, right?
Of course! People love the delicious flavor and disturbing texture.
And...and...people like breakfast, right?!
Yes! People enjoy not starving until their lunch break. But...how the fuck are people going to eat breakfast if they can't have it in hot dog form?
You fool, don't you get it? You know how Rachael Ray puts hot dogs in macaroni and cheese and calls it a casserole?
Yeah?
That's what the American public wants to eat! Complete shit!
This is brilliant! But what do we do?
Well what if breakfast was in a hot dog...think about it, people could have breakfast any time.
You mean like Bagel Bites?
No...like ROLLER Bites!
::simultaneous crotch grabs:: YEAH!!!

The first bite was quite the experience. I didn't really taste any cheese...but that's not what bothered me. Hmm...how should I describe this? Uhh...you ever try ripping the tires off of your car, cutting out a small piece, and then baking it in a blanket of sea salt like how the Iron Chefs cook their fish sometimes? Oh, you haven't? Then you're in for the treat, because you won't believe how spectacularly unnatural this thing tastes.

I'm pretty sure sausage should taste like meat, but I can't help but feel like Dr. Frankenstein is in a lab somewhere playing a sick joke on me. It's CHEWY. Why is the fucking thing CHEWY?! Maybe because it's been rolling on a heated surface perpetually for a few months, but even I can't make any excuses for this thing. The eggs were extremely dense and hard as expected, probably due to the fact that it's been cooked for roughly 15 years before being introduced to the sausage in some factory in eastern China.

You know that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Master Shake can't finish the Broodwich or else it'll take his soul? I'm almost certain they modeled the Roller Bite after that. I had two bites before I realized that I had a civic duty to burn this thing in some sort of pagan ritual. However, I had already started to feel the effects. As the pains came in, I immediately went to the kitchen tried to stab my stomach in frustration. I figured it was an honorable way to die, I believe the Japanese call it seppuku, but after a few minutes I figured I could tough it out and live to write this review.

So that was my experience. I hope you all never, ever eat this thing and may God have mercy on our souls for inventing it.

Posted by Anthony Nguyen on Saturday, June 02, 2007 at 12:55 PM |

dude that looks
like turd with
blotches of mustard
on it. siiick. but
kudos my good man

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 02, 2007 5:47 PM  

It sounds good in principle, but in practice... I'm with Omar, not looking very appetizing!

Posted by Blogger Deborah Dowd | June 02, 2007 5:54 PM  

Kudos to you, dear sir!

Your picture reminds me of something I saw in a medical textbook...in the sexually transmitted disease section.

Although, your picture is much worse.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 02, 2007 6:13 PM  

I think you and Marvo should do a multi-round battle to the death eating this sort of crap. Set a time, crosslink your blogs, and just see who can go the longest before expiring. Sure, you may both die horribly, but it'd be an interesting spectacle.

Posted by Blogger ultradave | June 02, 2007 8:08 PM  

I'd like to formally apologize for encouraging you to consume that evil "food."

Although, I'd still probably try it if I had gotten drunk enough the night before and needed to blot out any remaining memories of stupid behavior by spending the next 4 hours throwing up and promising God I'll never do it again...

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 02, 2007 9:28 PM  

Ah damn, forgot to sign that last one. My bad.

~ Diana

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 02, 2007 9:29 PM  

Ugh...after seeing that picture, I feel kind of bad for encouraging this debacle. But whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 03, 2007 9:17 PM  

That looks soooooooooooooo grooooosss!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 03, 2007 11:39 PM  

It looks more disgusting than I imagined.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 04, 2007 3:02 PM  

Oh my god, after looking at that thing, I realized that what you had wasn't a roller bite but someone's diseased...part!

That is the most nauseating thing I have ever seen...I will definitely be avoiding this like the plague.

Posted by Blogger Sir Lancelot | June 05, 2007 7:11 PM  

maybe it wasn't fresh. It looks really old and dried up. go to circle k again and try a fresh one, then tell us again how it was.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 05, 2007 10:17 PM  

Sweet mercy, I think that's worse than the KFC whatever-it-was bowl you reviewed earlier. You, sir, have balls.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | June 07, 2007 9:36 PM  

Wow, I was laughing out loud the whole time. "Roller Bite" Is so funny to say. I don't know how you could call people asking for it. Kudos...

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | January 24, 2009 5:09 AM  

This roller bite looks so amazing

Posted by Anonymous Barbara | March 02, 2011 3:05 AM  

you need to try the Chicken with Montery Jack and Swiss Cheese Roller Bite. It is yummy!!!

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