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Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff

Price: $2.00 + $3.00 for beef
Rating: * / *****

During my weekly trip to buy water, I noticed that it was raining. I was the one cussing at the sky because it ALWAYS rains a day after I wash my car. That's not the only reason I hate rain, though. When I was little, my mother said that rain was Buddha peeing on us. I'm not exactly sure why she thought that was a good idea, but it was probably a big contributor to my hatred and fear of it. A fear shared by many other southern Californians, who all huddle together like ants and cry in unison to the beat of the droplets. But I digress...while I was driving, I saw a huge torrent of water on the right side of the road next to the sidewalk. And there was a guy who was careening his car into the water every time he saw a pedestrian, thus completely soaking them in the dirtiest water this side of the Mississippi.

Needless to say, I found it rather peculiar. I can't really explain it, but I imagine that he was singing "I make it rain on dem ho's" and taking it a little too literally. Either way, it immediately reminded me of this meal. Sure, the reactions of the people was twistedly funny, but if it happened to me, I could think of no better revenge than serving him this meal. Revenge, they say, is a meal best served cold. I disagree: revenge is a meal best served lukewarm with Hamburger Helper. Holy shit, there were a lot of comma's in this paragraph. I apologize.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit as far as revenge goes(I'm a stickler for giving the guy a paper cut in the eye myself), but this meal was an all around disaster. What should be a cheap and easy meal that can serve a family turned out to be an ugly mess that I wouldn't even feed to the dog. And if you're one of those weirdos that considers your dog part of the family, I wouldn't even feed it to you either. It was bad in every aspect, and the worst part of it is Hamburger Helper can't even get their proportions right.

This recipe calls for a pound of beef. It sounds like a lot, I know. But I figured they knew what they were talking about so I asked the butcher for a pound of beef and threw it in the pan, thinking that the meal would come out like in the picture. You know...correctly proportional. But like most things in this cruel world, that's just a little too much to ask for. There was about 5x more beef than there needed to be and it was rather grotesque to eat and to look at. What started off as Hamburger Helper turned into Hamburger: Now w/ Some Shitty Noodles In It Too and made it a catastrophic culinary creation.

Not only was it then way too beefy, I found that the few noodles in it were rather chewy and gummy. That is a bad combination, but adding more water and cooking it longer didn't seem to help too much. To add insult to mortal injuries, the sauce was horrifically salty. So much so that I couldn't stomach a few bites of the finished product without having some bread or taking a drink(alcoholic preferably if you're planning on actually finish this thing). I thought about Hamburger Helper as a brand for a few moments, and came to the conclusion that what I was really paying extra for was just the name of the brand, because I could've done this with any other noodles-in-a-box for half the price and with better results.

I always suspected that the Hamburger Helper hand was a two-timing piece of trash who would just as soon strangle me as serve me a hot and tasty dinner. Next time you see him on television, you can be sure that I'll be at home screaming at the family and warning them of their impending disappointment. And you can be sure that the disappointment will subsequently lead to the dissolution of the family unit(you ever see the same family in two commercials? Didn't think so). You heard it here first: bad Hamburger Helper causes divorce and domestic abuse. And remember, everything you read on the internet is true.

I've never had the beef stroganoff version of Hamburger Helper, I usually stick with the Italian sounding ones. Actually, it's been awhile since I had a normal Hamburger Helper with real hamburger, I think I was scared away from it because of the high sodium count or the deformed white Hamburger Helper glove.

That is exactly how I would have imagined it come out. It's not really that bad. I just don't like the idea of the negative connotations that can be made when bored and thinking of "Beef Stroganoff".

Oh well.

Ha. Nice review. I'm loathe to admit it, but - although I now eschew eating animals - I ate this stuff ALL THE TIME as a kid. Once, in a fit of nostalgia, I think I even bought it and made it as an adult. If eating this stuff all the time won't turn a girl vegan, I don't know what will. Bravo for having the courage to review it.

Also, regarding the proportion of beef...what do you want to bet they're getting kickbacks from the cattle industry and/or are heavily invested in themselves somehow? This is what grad schoool makes you: paranoid.

I lived off of tuna helper and hamburger helper in college. You can't put in a whole pound of meat, though, that's way too much. And add extra water if it's undercooked.

I'm suddenly extraordinarily glad that my blog is not titled 'HeatEatReviewHamburgerHelper'

You should try Tuna Helper man, that stuffs actually pretty good.

marvo - If you say it's name three times in front of a mirror, the glove comes and cooks you dinner.

sir jorge - Actually, it is.

heather - I'm already quite paranoid so maybe grad school will make me normal.

eric - If they can't give me proper directions on meat and noodles, then they don't deserve my cheddar.

abi - I think that would be considered a "niche blog".

krispy - I actually might, I already have about 50 cans of tuna in my possession.

Huzzah for the return of the reviews!

Rain = Buddha urine?! Was your mom intent on keeping you out of the rain or what?

I think the only reason I was ever able to stomach this Hamburger Helper stuff was because I would always pour half a bottle of ketchup in with it. NOW I'd sooner eat a shoe smothered in sweet and sour sauce.

I think something about the Buddha urine got lost in translation.

this was sooo disgusting. yuck. beef w/ a pasta garnish. yucko.


Yeah, I just had a plate of the Stroganoff kind. It was pure salt. Never again.

I will probably be lynched for this comment, but I think it is quite good. I'm cooking a double batch right now as a matter of fact :). (Note that I am on the skinnier side of healthy, have the best stats my doctor has ever seen, and have plenty of money for "better" food...) Weird huh?

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