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Yoshinoya Large Beef and Vegetable Bowl

Price: $5.19
Rating: *** / *****

People, I can't be held responsible for things I type on the internet. I know I said I'd have something on Memorial Day, but I had things to do that made me jam my fingers, therefore rendering me unable to type. I couldn't even open a bottle of Sprite the next day, so I had to drink this weird thing called "water" instead. I can't keep my massive popularity in check either; it keeps me from being at home during the times I usually write reviews. Sure I could write during the day, but I'm most motivated at midnight staring down a can of Monster energy drink with a spoon full of applesauce in my hand. What is this website? Do you think this is just something where I can just blow on a Nintendo cartridge and a review is going to pop out? Do you think this is a game? Motherfucker, I AM the game!!!

But really, in light of today's big news that local superstar and sexual icon(for better or for worse depending on what you believe about certain deeds in certain Colorado hotel rooms) Kobe Bryant is going on a whirlwind radio tour demanding a trade, I thought it'd be fitting to review Yoshinoya. Kobe Bryant has nothing to do with the chain itself, but he's named after a Japanese city so I guess that's a good enough connection for me.

And if you really think about it, Kobe Bryant is a lot like a Yoshinoya combo bowl. They're both good at crunch time, when it gets heated towards the end. Kobe can be counted on making a clutch shot and you know Yoshinoya's going to have a hot bowl of filling food to satisfy your junk food quotient. They both come in styrofoam packaging decorated with the company logos. They're both delicious seasoned with the ground red pepper flakes that Yoshinoya provides.

Okay, maybe this was kind of a stretch.

Maybe I could compare Yoshinoya's beef with Kobe beef. You know, the famed beef where the cows are massaged, drink sake, and generally live better lives than most of us before getting the axe. Of course, Yoshinoya is not Kobe beef. Hell, I don't even know it can be considered beef in certain parts of the world, but it certainly gets the job done. Kobe beef is known for its intensely fatty and marbled meat. Yoshinoya beef is intensely fatty, but not exactly in the same way. They use a cheap cut called "short plate", which means little to the layman except that it's not quite like any other type of beef. It's basically thin, shaved meat that melts in your mouth because of how fatty and tender it is. It is simmered with onions until it is suitable for human consumption. I actually find it to be pretty good, as the beef goes well with the bed of sticky rice that it lays upon.

What really disturbs me are the vegetables that accompany it in the bowl. The combination of cabbage, cauliflower, carrots, and what appears to be broccoli stems come together to form a troublesome tribe of mush. I could honestly say that if I was looking for some savory baby food, I could take a mortar and pestle to it and have myself a treat. I have no idea what they are cooked in, but Yoshinoya calls it their secret sauce.

Newsflash, people: 5 star restaurants don't have "secret sauces", only shady chain ones do. Normal restaurants have the balls to tell people what their sauces are because they aren't afraid of exposing the truth. You can't tell me that the radioactive glow coming from the vegetables are healthy. I use ramen powder to season my tuna sandwiches and I still think that's better for me than whatever this is.

So the vegetables are slightly scary, but the beef was generally tasty. You also get a lot of food for what you pay for, so I will definitely head back sometime and just ask for the beef bowl.

Expect a review of breakfast Roller Bites sometime within the next 7 days.

This is not a roller bite.

Ditto what Abi said.

ROLLER BITE!!! ROLLER BITE!!! ROLLER BITE!!!

revolt!!!!
roller bite roller bite
roller bite roller biiiiiiiiiiiite!

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The combination of vegetables and beef is great.

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