Here To Eat: Ace Eats America 10 Plates at a Time

Price: $5.19
Rating: *** / *****

People, I can't be held responsible for things I type on the internet. I know I said I'd have something on Memorial Day, but I had things to do that made me jam my fingers, therefore rendering me unable to type. I couldn't even open a bottle of Sprite the next day, so I had to drink this weird thing called "water" instead. I can't keep my massive popularity in check either; it keeps me from being at home during the times I usually write reviews. Sure I could write during the day, but I'm most motivated at midnight staring down a can of Monster energy drink with a spoon full of applesauce in my hand. What is this website? Do you think this is just something where I can just blow on a Nintendo cartridge and a review is going to pop out? Do you think this is a game? Motherfucker, I AM the game!!!

But really, in light of today's big news that local superstar and sexual icon(for better or for worse depending on what you believe about certain deeds in certain Colorado hotel rooms) Kobe Bryant is going on a whirlwind radio tour demanding a trade, I thought it'd be fitting to review Yoshinoya. Kobe Bryant has nothing to do with the chain itself, but he's named after a Japanese city so I guess that's a good enough connection for me.

And if you really think about it, Kobe Bryant is a lot like a Yoshinoya combo bowl. They're both good at crunch time, when it gets heated towards the end. Kobe can be counted on making a clutch shot and you know Yoshinoya's going to have a hot bowl of filling food to satisfy your junk food quotient. They both come in styrofoam packaging decorated with the company logos. They're both delicious seasoned with the ground red pepper flakes that Yoshinoya provides.

Okay, maybe this was kind of a stretch.

Maybe I could compare Yoshinoya's beef with Kobe beef. You know, the famed beef where the cows are massaged, drink sake, and generally live better lives than most of us before getting the axe. Of course, Yoshinoya is not Kobe beef. Hell, I don't even know it can be considered beef in certain parts of the world, but it certainly gets the job done. Kobe beef is known for its intensely fatty and marbled meat. Yoshinoya beef is intensely fatty, but not exactly in the same way. They use a cheap cut called "short plate", which means little to the layman except that it's not quite like any other type of beef. It's basically thin, shaved meat that melts in your mouth because of how fatty and tender it is. It is simmered with onions until it is suitable for human consumption. I actually find it to be pretty good, as the beef goes well with the bed of sticky rice that it lays upon.

What really disturbs me are the vegetables that accompany it in the bowl. The combination of cabbage, cauliflower, carrots, and what appears to be broccoli stems come together to form a troublesome tribe of mush. I could honestly say that if I was looking for some savory baby food, I could take a mortar and pestle to it and have myself a treat. I have no idea what they are cooked in, but Yoshinoya calls it their secret sauce.

Newsflash, people: 5 star restaurants don't have "secret sauces", only shady chain ones do. Normal restaurants have the balls to tell people what their sauces are because they aren't afraid of exposing the truth. You can't tell me that the radioactive glow coming from the vegetables are healthy. I use ramen powder to season my tuna sandwiches and I still think that's better for me than whatever this is.

So the vegetables are slightly scary, but the beef was generally tasty. You also get a lot of food for what you pay for, so I will definitely head back sometime and just ask for the beef bowl.

Expect a review of breakfast Roller Bites sometime within the next 7 days.

Posted by Anthony Nguyen at 8:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

So I'm pumping gas the other day and I see a sign for this...


Thoughts?

Posted by Anthony Nguyen at 2:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

Price: $5.89
Rating: **** / *****

Rubio's is a mostly-California chain specializing in their famous deep fried fish tacos, which are good enough to maim for. I remember that Rubio's claimed to be so good that people who hated ordinary fish tacos would love theirs. A bold claim and a leap in logic, considering that I would never think to bring someone who hates beef to my favorite steakhouse. So they gave Mandy Moore, who is apparently a fish taco hater, one to try on some MTV show. She visibly choked it down and pretended to like it, struggling to compliment something she clearly didn't enjoy. I guess that was convincing enough for me to go out and try one. Mmm...Mandy Moore...

*ahem* Anyways, Rubio's specializes in fish tacos but they, as most chains tend to do when they expand, are increasing the selection on their menu. Some, like the ridiculously small and overpriced street tacos are a slap in the face of everything I deem tasty in Mexican food. Another, like the new "wrapsalada", is a simple exercise in making an unnecessarily stupid name for a salad wrapped in a tortilla. I ask this question again: when did lazy stoner food become the newest trend in the world of casual dining? Please people, stop the madness, have a seat, and take 10 minutes to enjoy your lunch. And if you work at a place where you're in such a rush that you have to eat your salad in wrap form, please consider leaving immediately or perhaps arson.

However, sometimes you get lucky and they introduce new tacos that are worth trying. This is certainly the case here with the crunchy shrimp tacos, which are both crunchy and shrimpy as advertised. Served on corn or flour tortillas(corn is really the only way to go), the fried shrimp are laid on top of a yogurt sauce spiced with salsa and lime. It is then topped off with a refreshing chunky salsa and a handful of cabbage, which sets it apart from tacos made with lettuce. The cabbage doesn't wilt under the heat of the fried items and produce a crunchy, light texture that further enhances the crunchiness of the shrimp. Though it was very good, I must say that some of the shrimp had a little too much breading and there were times when I hardly got any shrimp when I bit into the tacos. This is a common complaint with fried shrimp, and I'm not sure if a solution will ever be found.

The combo comes with beans, tortilla chips, and a soft drink. Now that I finally got my filling replaced after waiting a month and a half for my HMO dentist to treat me, I can actually enjoy the soft drink without the searing pain of cold liquid. The chips at Rubio's are freshly deep fried and crunchy as they should be, and feel a bit more rustic than the unusually light Taco Bell chips that one gets accustomed to. The beans, which are topped off with a crumbly Mexican cheese, are piping hot and salty enough to make a good dipping partner for the chips. Take some lime and salsa from the condiment bar on the side and you're pretty much set.

One thing I've always found unsettling about Rubio's were the little cardboard stands of Pesky the Fish that line the tables. Pesky is an example of suicide food, a disturbing trend in the advertising component of the culinary world. These are mascots that literally feast on themselves(as opposed to that loud chick everyone hates, who metaphorically does it) and invite you to do the same. It has always freaked me out, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one to notice the twisted existence that we live in. In the year 2000, when the aliens take over and my name is AN#34589 or something, I will sooner set myself on fire than pose with my deep fried limbs on either hand. Shame on you, Rubio's, for making a fish pose inside a taco. You're lucky that Pesky tastes so delicious, or else I'd take a stand against your demented ways.

Posted by Anthony Nguyen at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments

Price: Philly Roll $8.95, Las Vegas Roll $9.50
Rating: ***** / *****

I never actually had sushi until I was well into my teen years. I would scoff at the notion of paying a premium for a seemingly small amount of basic food. My logic, of course, was based on being a cheap ass. I figured a roll of sushi was the equivalent of a small bowl of rice with some raw fish thrown on top. But like most things from my early years, it was a grossly misguided opinion.

Zip Fusion is a trendy little sushi restaurant with an eclectic mix of techno dance songs and candlelit tables. They are candlelit because the room is absurdly dark, even during the day...so much so that I actually wanted one of those stupid Owl wallet lights I keep seeing on television. Oh well, all part of the ambience I guess. And for the record, any waiter that pulls out a flashlight on me is getting a swift kick in the balls.

My friend Ariana reccomended that we come here while I was up visiting her. I thought it'd be a nice change of pace from our usual "I don't care, what do you want to eat?" conversations that generally just lead to burgers and a broken heart. So we went, but we also brought along her little sister Ally. I don't know what's worse, knowing that I'm deep in the death pit known as the "friend zone" or having to deal with her sister constantly flipping me off and cracking terrible jokes. Despite these things, the food more than made up for it all.

The rolls were amply sized and quite simply stunning to look at. Like the saying goes, it was almost too pretty to eat. But like my high school art project, I ended up eating it anyway. The Philly Roll is an American invention, named after the Philadelphia cream cheese that turns the already melt-in-your-mouth salmon into velvet. So even though it is not exactly authentic, it is still rather divine. Inside the rice and seaweed is avocado, asparagus, carrot, and the aforementioned cream cheese. The contrast of crunchy and smooth tickled the proverbial fancy. It was topped off with delicately cut salmon slices, which kind of made me wish I was a bear so I could eat salmon this fresh every day. A weird thought to have, yes, but it's really good! I dipped it into some soy sauce which I mixed some wasabi into, a perfect compliment for a wonderful roll.

Up next was the Las Vegas Roll; a sushi roll with a name fitting for its decadence. Consisting of avocado, crabmeat, cream cheese, and 3 different kinds of fresh fish, the ingredients managed to all meld together under a crisp tempura shell. That's right, it's deep fried. And like all things deep fried should be, it is served with a bold sauce that was both sweet and spicy. The best thing about the roll was that even though it was fried, the fish inside remained raw and tender to the tooth while the outside was the epitome of battered indulgence. Filling and delicious, the rich Las Vegas Roll made a great tag team partner for the lighter Philly Roll.

It has been a long time since I had a review where I wasn't a cheeky little bastard, but Zip Fusion has managed to make a saint out of me today. It's almost worth the drive to Corona(and that's saying a lot) and is definitely a place to check out with good company.

Posted by Anthony Nguyen at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

Price: $4.99 w/ a drink
Rating: ** / *****

"Okay, that'll be $5.13 at the second window, Ace."
Uhh...I haven't ordered yet.
"Oh, it's a new thing we're doing at KFC. It's called FEF, and it's designed to speed up service to well known customers."
Wow, that actually sounds like a good idea. So now that KFC is doing FEF, I don't even have to order?
"Nope, our records indicate that you order with surprising consistency. In fact, you come enough where we can find out what you order 99% of the time, +/- 3%. Almost like an election."
This sounds awesome! So what does FEF stand for?
"Well in keeping in line with our acronyms, FEF covers up the less desirable Fatties Eat Faster name."
Fatties Eat Faster? How come I wasn't told about this?
"Well, store policy designates that fatties aren't told about the name...it might be considered offensive."
Uh...huh.
"So yeah, we already have the #2 with extra gravy and a side of fried chicken skins at the second window for you."
How'd you know I was coming?
"We put a tracking device on our best customers. It lets us know when you get into your car."
But I could just be visiting friends or going out or something.
"Let's not kid ourselves, Ace. We know why you drive."
All of this makes sense now. You know, what Jim? I think I'll go with something different today. I saw this commercial for a new Chicken and Biscuit famous bowl and the guy seemed to be really enjoying himself.
"Is that so?"
Yeah...I'd say he was almost getting off just eating it. I think I'll take that one.
"Alright, that'll be $5.36 at the second window."
Thanks, Jim, tell Pam and Dan in there that I said "hi".
"They already received your Hallmark cards. Enjoy your meal."

So Jim was pretty cool today, though I'm not sure how I feel about FEF. Nevertheless, I came home with this disaster of a meal. Not that it couldn't taste good looking like that, but chances are slim to nil that most sane people could enjoy this. Even I, who could be classified as insane in some southern states, didn't enjoy this. I still ate and finished it, though.

Why?

I don't know. I was pretty hungry, but looking back, it wasn't a great idea. For those of you who aren't aware of awful fast food creations, the Famous Bowl is KFC's way of slopping all of their leftover ingredients into a plastic bowl and hoping you have low enough self esteem to dig into the thing. First of all, I should mention the ingredients of the meal. This one contains mashed potatoes(more like blended instant potato flakes, but I guess that's fast food semantics for you), a pile of sweet corn like the ones you donate to homeless shelters, a smattering of breaded chicken pieces, a half gallon of country gravy, a sprinkling of cheese, and topped off with the coup de grace. A fucking biscuit. That's right, now you get to eat your biscuit mixed in with everything else like an animal.

The meal doesn't taste BAD per se, but it certainly has many, many flaws that I will begin listing for you fine readers right now. First of all, there isn't nearly enough mashed potatoes and far too much corn. It was almost a 50/50 ratio in my bowl, which is not only unpleasant, it is hard to eat. The corn tasted like it came straight from a can and into the bowl, which is to be expected but it isn't acceptable when the quantity is so high. The chicken pieces were soggy as anticipated, but had the good KFC flavor and can hardly be blamed for the downfall of the meal. The cheese was cheese and the biscuit was a biscuit. That was fine, I guess.

But the gravy! I wouldn't be angry with KFC's sad attempt at country gravy if I hadn't had better tasting gravy from Banquet meals. Now I don't have exactly high standards for what I eat. If it's "yummy" I'll eat it no matter what. This gravy, however, fails miserably at life. It has the taste and consistency of lightly salted milk. Not only is it runny and weakly flavored, but its lacking any of the pepper that makes a white gravy interesting. So not only does it make the chicken and biscuit soggy, it turns the potatoes into a watery paste and adds no discernable flavor to the bowl.

And I STILL finished the thing. Damn, I must really hate myself. So there it is, a two star meal. I don't know how this bowl got famous, but it certainly wasn't based on merit. Does anyone know if KFC has a casting couch?

Posted by Anthony Nguyen at 2:26 PM | Permalink | Comments