Here To Eat: Ace Eats America 10 Plates at a Time

Stater Bros. Generic Pizza Bites
Price: $2.50
Rating: * / *****

Here are some Stater Brothers brand pizza bites. It was a dollar cheaper than the Totino's pizza rolls, so I decided to be thrifty. Hey, a pizza bite is a pizza bite. I don’t want to pay for marketing and advertising. They'll be just as good as the name brand. Right?

...

Right?

::crickets::

Don't buy generic food. It is flavorless and the cashiers will laugh at you while you're walking to your car. Well, scratch that. Some generic stuff is alright if you can look past the ridiculous mascots that looked like they were whipped up as a result of a "photoshop the worst mascot you can think of" contest. ABC news seems to think the generic cereals are on par, and ABC is okay with me. However, this is not cereal. These are pizza bites.

Theoretically, it would take a lot to mess up a pizza bite. Essentially, there are 4 ingredients to a pepperoni pizza bite: pepperoni, pizza sauce, cheese, and...whatever the crust is called in this case(pizza shell?). A small child could mix those ingredients and throw it in a deep fryer and make it tasty. How can it go wrong? Well, let me count the ways...

The pepperoni is completely flavorless. I'm not a picky eater, as you probably already know. I've never really had pepperoni that I didn't like, I just expect it to taste like something. So that is strike 1. The sauce tastes like tomato sauce that has been left out for a few days and then thrown in the microwave since the kids wouldn't be able to tell the difference anyway. Well, I have news for you, they can. It also tastes like a spoonful of fiber or something was added to it...you get all of the bitter aftertaste without any of the digestive benefits. The crust-thing is horrendously chewy, more so than it has any right to be. I put it in the toaster oven and followed instructions but got no crispiness at all. And worst of all...

Where's the fucking cheese?

Pizza without cheese is like eating breadsticks, which while delicious, is also free at nearly every sit-down restaurant. The cheese is what you're paying for, people! I want the thing to have cheese that burns my mouth and stretches several feet after I bite into it. That's how I can tell it's good. I would call it the "string theory", but apparently that name has already been taken by some stupid thing called physics.


So there it is, 4 ingredients, 4 letdowns. That is a subtraction of 4 stars, which makes this a 1 star product. They couldn't even get one aspect of it right. The rest of the bag is now sitting in my freezer. I know that I'll never eat it, but I can't bring myself to throw them away. Maybe I'll just feed them to my friends.

Posted by Anthony Nguyen on Tuesday, December 26, 2006 at 4:58 PM | Permalink